Trigger warning: eating disorders.
There’s a photo that often sticks in my mind. It’s April 2022 and I’m on holiday in Thailand with my boyfriend. I’m there to review a hotel for a magazine I work for, but it’s also not-so-coincidentally my 30th birthday. We’re booked in for dinner at a restaurant housed in a beautiful wooden Thai mansion which hovers spectacularly over a peaceful lagoon, surrounded by palm trees and illuminated by tall flaming torches. The air is thick with the balmy evening heat and the inky-blue sky is cloaked in stars. Artificial smoke swirls around the water as we stand on the other side of the lagoon, about to step onto the rope-pulled raft to reach the restaurant. It is probably one of the most romantic places I’ve ever been.
“Let’s ask someone to take a photo of us,” I say to my boyfriend. A tourist behind us kindly obliges and passes my phone back to me. I think most of us know the sinking feeling of seeing a photograph of yourself and not liking what you see staring back at you. It’s the relationship you have with yourself that will dictate how you process that feeling, and what you do with it. For me, I couldn’t get the image of my “fat arms” in that photograph out of my mind all night. I felt intense, gut-punching guilt – I write often about challenging beauty standards and toxic diet culture; what sort of hypocrite did that make me? And guilt too for eating the endless plates of delicious Thai food presented to us throughout dinner. After battling bouts of my bulimia throughout my late teens and most of my twenties, it took all of my willpower (and learnings from therapy) not to excuse myself from the table and do the one thing I knew would make me feel better.
If you are one of the 1.25 million people in the UK who suffer with an eating disorder, or part of the 61 per cent of adults who feel “negative or very negative about their body image most of the time”, travelling can be extremely difficult. For some, it’s the fear of how you’ll look and feel wearing a bikini on the beach; for others, it’s the concern over whether your hotel will offer size-inclusive towels or robes; or for those in recovery, whether you’ll be able to stick to your plan while abroad. It plagues a majority of us to some extent, yet it’s something we never really speak about.
“Holidays can be difficult for those who struggle with disordered eating and/or body image distress because it's a change from our usual routines,” says Dr Alexis Conason, eating disorder specialist and author of The Diet Free Revolution. “When we travel, we are eating different foods, wearing different types of clothes (a swimsuit that feels revealing; ski clothes that feel uncomfortable), doing different types of activities – and that can bring up different emotions. As a result, we may avoid participating fully in our holiday. We may avoid swimming if we don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit or be uncomfortable sitting poolside in heavy clothes that hide our bodies. We may find ourselves preoccupied with exercise, prioritising hours in the hotel gym rather than exploring our destination. I’ve heard of people bringing their own diet foods on holiday and staying in the hotel room eating these foods rather than going out and experiencing the local cuisine.”
As in my experience, the constant picture-taking on holiday can bring these insecurities to the fore, too. “Being in photographs can also be very uncomfortable for people with body image struggles and we can find ourselves picking our bodies apart and criticising our bodies when we look at pictures of ourselves,” Dr Conason explains. “Additionally, some of the disordered eating behaviours we were engaging in at home may be harder to engage in on holiday – for example, only eating certain foods, following a specific exercise routine – and that can make us feel more dysregulated or uncomfortable on holidays,” she says.
I’ve travelled to 35 countries both through my work as a travel journalist and on personal holidays, and I’m loath to admit it because travel is both my tonic and an enormous privilege, but these insecurities have managed to seep their way into every single trip. They were the hours spent agonising over what to pack for girls’ holidays to Australia and Malta, trying on bikinis and dresses and shorts in the mirror, picking apart my appearance and telling myself angrily, over and over, how awful I looked. They were the feelings of anguish and embarrassment on a recent work trip to Antarctica, where a video of me partaking in a “polar plunge” – quite literally, plunging your body into Antarctic waters – showed the cellulite on the back of my thighs. They were the pangs of guilt at not making it to the gym regularly enough on a romantic break to Antigua last month. They were the waves of relief on assignments in Morocco and the Seychelles, where time alone meant I could indulge in my disordered eating habits of calorie-counting, restriction or purging, without anyone knowing.
While I know I’m not alone, my experience is not the same as everyone’s. I need to make it clear that I am mid-size, able-bodied, and have white privilege, and that means I’m not subject to the weight bias and fatphobic mocking or staring that people in larger bodies may be while abroad. I can’t speak to that. What I can speak to is my experience of body image issues and eating disorders, which affect women of all body shapes and sizes, and are only exacerbated by – and inextricably linked to – diet culture, which teaches us to admire, celebrate, and strive for thinness. It’s something many of us grew up with from a young age, internalising the message that ‘thin is best’ from the adverts we saw, the TV we watched, and the discourse – whether consciously or not – from those around us, who too were victims of diet culture growing up.
Though we’ve made positive steps towards size inclusivity, this messaging still exists today, particularly around women going on holiday. In the run-up to summer, for example, we’re bombarded with messaging that tells us there’s a standard type of female body that is acceptable for display in a swimsuit. Shelves are stacked with weight loss products, diet companies plaster ‘before and after’ pictures over social media, and fitness brands offer discounts and promotions to encourage us to reach our “goals in time for beach season”. It’s no wonder the global weight loss market, currently valued at $270 billion, is expected to reach a value of $432 billion by 2028.
“Diet culture marketing tells us we have to be ‘beach body ready’, and this can set the stage for body image struggles,” says Dr Conason. “We often feel like we need to change our body to get ready for a vacation or to ‘look our best’ when we are on holiday.”
But no one should have to change anything about themselves for a holiday, or spend their time away with their loved ones worrying about looking their best. The way we look is the least interesting thing about us – there is far, far more to us than the number we see when we step on the scales – yet it’s what diet culture teaches us to reduce ourselves to. Unfortunately, there’s no quick-fix. I can’t change how my perception of my arms in that photo ruined that night in Thailand; one so special, that should have been filled with love and joy. But I can try and focus on the positive memories from that trip, from all of those trips, instead. Spotting turtles and rays while scuba-diving with my boyfriend in Thailand; swimming in the warm sea with my best friends in Malta; fulfilling my lifelong dream of stepping foot on Antarctica, our planet’s last great wilderness. Those are the memories of my travels that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Not how my body looked in photographs.
Here are Dr Conason’s top tips for travelling if you struggle with disordered eating and/ or body image…
- Practice self-acceptance: Self-acceptance doesn't mean we have to like everything about your body, but it does mean we are present with our bodies as they currently are and try to treat our bodies with compassion
- Get your support system: If you are travelling with a friend or family member who you feel comfortable talking to about your struggles, share it with them and let them know how they can best support you on your travels
- Have a plan: Before you leave on your holiday, think about what types of things you want to do on your trip, what may bring up struggles around food and body image, and how you may be able to move forward with enjoying your trip as much as possible
- Develop a mindfulness practice: Mindfulness meditation can be an important tool to stay grounded in the present moment and observe the chatter in our minds without allowing those thoughts to be in the driver's seat.
- Seek professional help: If your struggles with disordered eating and body image are impacting your ability to enjoy your holiday, that's a sign that treatment with a mental health professional may be the best path forward.
If you are struggling with any of the topics mentioned in this article or are concerned about a loved one, please contact Beat Eating Disorders on 0808 801 0677 or use their one-to-one web chat service.